My Testimony Pt. 1: Loving Like No Man Can

That’s one of many things God does in our lives.

This time a year ago I wasn’t sitting in a coffee shop, I was suffering. I had severe prostatitis and a catheter installed in my bladder so I could relieve myself. Not only am I grateful for the doctors and the modern medicine that was available to me, I’m also grateful that I don’t have a catheter anymore… probably the worst pain and discomfort I’ve ever been in—not the point though.

Over the next couple of days/weeks I will share my testimony. I believe in the power of a testimony and that through sharing my testimony I could lose people who are close to me. To be honest with you, I don’t care. Sharing my testimony means gaining brothers and sisters and losing friends, and I’m on a mission to make heaven crowded. If you’re offended by me condemning homosexuality or pornography I challenge you to think about your life. Contemplate the idea of eternity. Our lives on this earth are immeasurable when it comes to eternity, and I’d rather spend what little time I have on this earth honoring God, then conforming myself to mere loneliness or a strange passion to lay in bed for hours watching porn. This story, my story, is raw, unapologetic, unfiltered, and vulnerable. I’ve sat with my story for a long time, and this won’t be the last time that you hear about my story (imagine the emoji of eyes looking to the side). I plan on writing a book/books in the future about this, but for now, this is what I have.

When I think about true authenticity and truth, I think about who I am in the bathroom. I think about who I am in the bathroom, when no one is home, the lights are turned off, the doors are shut, and I’m all alone. In a lot of ways I think that’s how God sees us all of the time. The all-knowing, all-powerful God knows my inmost thoughts, and my subconscious mind. He knows what I struggle with, and what I’m going to suffer with. He knew I was going to fall prey to homosexuality, lust, and promiscuity. That stinks, but it’s also calming to me. I’m grateful to serve a God who knows everything about me. If you truly think about it, when we get a perfect gift from someone, we cherish the obvious fact that they “really know us”. I think about all of the times I’ve said this and also when someone has said it to me, but what about when something bad happens to us?

If you know me or grew up with me you know that I tend to play the victim card sometimes. There’s something about victimhood that proclaims innocence and unjust treatment, but the truth is, the very fact that we are breathing is a gift. We all deserve to drop dead because of our sinful nature, but God doesn’t want that. I deserve to burn for eternity for the sins that I’ve committed. As the Bible describes it, I return to my sin like a dog to its vomit…yes, that’s in the Bible. Over the past couple of months (or years to be honest with you), I’ve grappled with trying to understand why I’m attracted to men. Why me, God? I’ve prayed endlessly for him to take my attractions away and at one point I even asked God to give me cancer if it meant taking away my desires. I’ve come to realize though, that maybe God understands that I can face these sinful attractions with His help. Romans 5:35 says:

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

I think about verses like this (especially in the context that they were written in) and how different times were from now. People in the United States don’t nearly suffer enough for their faith as they do in other countries, nor the time that the Bible was written, but we still struggle. Something that has always intrigued me about sexual sin and addiction is that it’s the only sin that we can commit that is against ourselves. We actively sin against others when we steal, lie, cheat, abuse, kill, etc. but we can only hurt our own body when we commit sexual immorality. This can be found in 1 Corinthians 6:18, Paul explicitly mentions,

"Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body."

This verse states that sexual sin has a uniquely harmful impact on one's own body and maybe even one's soul, distinguishing it from other types of sins. Why that is? I may never know. I’m sure it has more to do than shame and social anxiety, and also the fact that pornography addiction has the same affect that cocaine addiction has on the brain. It’s also listed many times as a sin so I really don’t have to dig deeper into that to tell you that it’s wrong.

What I am sure of, is that being “gay” or attracted to someone is not sinful. What a lot of Christians have gotten wrong is it’s not wrong to be tempted or attracted to something, it’s wrong to give into it. There’s proof of it too. To anyone who struggles with homosexuality, know that you aren’t alone, know that there’s hope. You don’t have to live a lonely life without feeling loved. The creator of the universe died for you, and that is enough. No man or woman, no identity, no sexual desire, no video or image, can do what he did for you. Jesus didn’t have to die. Jesus didn’t deserve death, because he lived perfectly. He still went through with it, because He loves us, and He wants us to be with Him for eternity.

I think that’s why we suffer. The Bible mentions joy in suffering. There’s a specific type of brotherhood and love in suffering. To suffer as a Christian, is to suffer with Christ. I like to compare it to getting into trouble. If you’ve ever gone to the principle’s office (many many times for me) it was often easier to go with people than alone. Although this isn’t the principle’s office, even still, we don’t suffer alone.

As I sit in a coffee shop writing this letter, the same coffee shop where I went on my first date ever with a man a year ago, I can tell you that I’ve never received more love from Christ alone, and my family in Christ, and especially my brothers in Christ. I am loved more than I could ever know, by the one who created me, and the ones who were called to follow Him.

So I think back to the pain, the tube stuck inside me, the writhing pain, the loneliness, what seemed like hopeless suffering, and how alone I felt through it all, but I remember one thing: I wasn’t alone. I didn’t share my suffering with anyone on earth, and yet I still wasn’t alone. God knew that through suffering, I’d turn to Him. He knew that I’d show up to the church that I would after I got the catheter out. He knew that I wouldn’t have gone unless I felt hopeless. He knew me in a way that no one else could. It brings me to tears. I mean, the Man literally shows me how much he cares with every day I wake up, with every verse that I read. Every devotional, every sermon, conversation, embedded in those conversations is an “invisible string” that ties them to the next sermon, the next devotional, and the next conversation. Even now, the sun begins to rise and blind me, I know, my soul knows it too, that God orchestrated that. So to be honest with you, I couldn’t care less if I suffer, because I know that no matter how much I suffer, that there’s a day coming when I won’t suffer. There’s a day coming, where I’ll get to meet my grandfather again, there’s a day when I’ll get to meet the creator of the universe, so I don’t care if I can’t marry a man, or if I can’t watch porn. Purity isn’t just for God, it’s for me. God wants me to not watch porn because it hurts me. He cares for me. That’s not even scratching the surface, nor will I ever begin to scratch the surface of the of the depth of His love for me.

I will tell you though, that the same love for me, is the same love God has for you, and all you have to do is accept it. Ask me about it!

In the mean time, always remember Jesus’s sacrifice, and be sure to honor God in everything you enter, can, say, wish, will, want, do, remember, pray, tell, think, or believe and choose the narrow gate.

-Elijah