My Baptism Testimony
Psalm 107:6-8
'Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their
distress. He led them by a straight way till they reached a city to dwell in. Let
them thank the Lord for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the
children of man! '
Our Lord is all-knowing. He knows my story didn’t start 23 years ago.
It started, before the earth was formed. Like all of you, the Lord thought of
me back then. He knew I’d be raised by a lovely set of God-fearing parents.
He knew I’d start off kind and warm, and that I would go on and become
destructive, prideful, and cold. He’d allow the devil to use my favorite verses
to convince me I was going to hell and a part of the many that entered through
the wide gate on a path towards destruction. The Lord knew that path. He
was aware of that path before I ever walked it.
Matthew 7:13-14 reads: Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the
way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For
the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it
are few.
He knew I’d struggle with same-sex attraction. He knew that the devil
would relentlessly attack me with doubt, that I would give into temptation,
time and time again, and again, and again. He knew I’d accept money in
exchange for my promiscuity. He knew I’d be bullied, that I would rebel, that
I would refuse, how insecure I would let myself become because of the sin that
I chose, and the path I would walk.
He saw it all— including the version of me that knew better but did it anyway.
He saw me flirting with men while wearing a cross around my neck—then
taking it off like that somehow made it less sinful. He saw me give myself away
to men. He saw the nights I believed death was a better decision.
He saw me running through scripture and reading theological articles trying
to figure out if my same sex attraction was too much for the cross to handle.
He saw that worry and shame.
He said, “I’m gonna step into that pit. I’ll meet him in the middle of it. I’ll
bleed for him before he even knows My Name.”
He saw every sin in advance—and He still said, ‘Let there be light.’ He knew
what it would cost Him, and He spoke anyway.
The Father knew He’d give up His Son.
The Son knew He’d suffer.
The Spirit knew He’d grieve.
He decided to make “In the beginning”—a reality not just a thought. He chose to speak
words and most importantly, a Word that would become flesh, because He
knew that that Word would be His Son. He knew that Word would be Jesus.
He knew that His Son would die in place for my sin, that was yet to be
committed. He knew that despite everything that was yet to transpire, that
Elijah Michael Roache would be written in the Lamb’s Book of Life. He knew
that He loved me so much not only to live for me, but to die for me.
He knew.
Despite knowing I would believe love was only a reward for a job well
done, He also knew I would have faith. The Lord would use the heartbreak
and pain from the broken parts of my life to bring me to the cross. After a
hospital visit for an infection that could have ended my life, He found me
suffering—physically, spiritually, emotionally, and believing no one truly
loved me. I felt hopeless. All I can remember is laying on my couch in deep
discomfort and pain, and leaning on a simple yet profound song.
“I just need someone who gon save me”
For the first time in my life I began to humble myself and admit that I am
completely incapable of saving myself from the physical, spiritual, and
emotional pain I was going through at the time. Over time I began to learn
what I was really looking for. Turns out it wasn’t all that bad to be craving
intimacy, love, and care from someone, the only problem was who I thought
was the Provider. That man was Jesus. At the time, the Lord was also raising
up the people to achieve His plans to give me faith. He brought along people to
show real love and real acceptance, not affirmation. He put people in my life
who listened to me when I came out to them, and encouraged me to pursue the
Lord and not worldly pleasures. People who prayed for years despite the
circumstances I was in. THAT IS LOVE.
So I stand here today after claiming to be without belief as a testimony
that the Lord is Faithful and True, and He will never leave you, because He
knows what we need, what we don’t, who we need, and who we don’t. I stand
here because of the Lord and His work in my life. I know the Lord has died
for me and my sins. I know that there is no greater love and satisfaction that I
could ever feel than the way I feel when I think of what He did for me and
what He will do for me.
So this is my prayer for our church, that today you not just remember
Him, but you know Him before, through, and after death.
Remember that Heis Faithful & True and He is Faithful, and He is True.
Always remember to know that Jesus loves you, despite all circumstances and lies. I am proof.
So today, I’m getting baptized—not to say “I’ve made it,” but to say Jesus
found me. This isn’t some type of rebrand, it’s a scrape and rebuild. I’m
honored to do this on Easter Sunday because none of it makes sense apart
from beauty, grace, joy, and hope that we see in is resurrection from the grave.